Magic Wands

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There are times in life when we all just wish we could wave a magic wand and make something better. Times when we all want a fairy godmother a la Cinderella to bippity boppity boo something to smithereens. I’ve had the magic wand moment this whole week.

My neurological condition is still pending an official diagnosis. I am being referred to a MS clinic in a nearby larger city. In the meantime, my doctor this week gave me a MS medication to help alleviate some of my symptoms as a trial. If I have MS, this drug will help me. If I don’t then it won’t do anything.

I have not felt this good in years and I am insanely happy. I feel like I want to do as much as I possibly can this week. I don’t remember the last time I’ve felt this good, and when I finish the medication, I’m sure that I will never feel this good again.

Once the medication is out of my system, I’ll go back to how I was. But for right now, my symptoms are reduced and manageable. The symptoms are not gone. Their severity is lessened.

I didn’t realize how impaired my functioning has become until I entered this period of respite that the medication has afforded me.

It’s like someone has waived a magic wand and made me almost normal again for a week. How many people ever get a chance to say they have had a magic wand moment in life?

I still don’t have an official diagnosis. However, three different doctors all think the same thing. I’m pretty sure if the MS drug is acting like a magic wand … it might be MS. I’m no doctor, but …

I’m going to enjoy my magic wand moment for as long as I can. I want to cram as much life and living into these moments as possible.

I’m just hoping that when my magic wand moment is over that I do not completely crash down into reality.

For right now, I’m just going to say thank you for giving me my life back. Even if it’s only temporary.

Unfortunately, the drug trial I am on is not something that can be sustained long term. But I’ll take the week of respite. It’s the best week I’ve had in years. Sure, the cooling vest gives me moments of normalcy too, but those typically only last minutes or hours. This is an entire week of my life in which I feel amazing.

The weather outside is indeed frightful. We have a few inches of snow and a layer of ice. I wish I could take advantage of this situation and do something fun like surfing. I have been running, of course. Running is awesome. 

I have mostly been spending this week getting everything done that I have been behind on. In a way, I feel like it’s kind of a waste. I really want to do something fun, but other life circumstances are not cooperating right now no matter how good I feel. At least I can check a bunch of things off from the never ending to-do list so I can have a moment to say “it’s done” before everything in life becomes so much harder to do again. 

Now if only this magic wand thing could also result in the entire house being clean without me cleaning it …even for Cinderella, midnight has to strike eventually. 

Pumpkin Time

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Cinderella has a midnight curfew when the illusion ends. The carriage turns back into a pumpkin, the gown back into rags. I have pumpkin time too. Right now it seems to be about 3 hours. Three hours is the amount of time I can be out in my cooling vest before I become absolutely exhausted.

Yesterday, I pushed it. I did my long run in the morning (without cooling vest because it was only 60 out). Then, I was outside in the heat for about 2 hours doing yard work. Thankfully, I have a really awesome person who helps me with yard work, otherwise it would take me an entire day. 

After my two hours of yard work, I was inside resting and having lunch. Yesterday afternoon, it was in the 80s, and I used my cooling vest to spend 3 hours at an outdoor birthday party. It was great, but I got tired fast. I felt like a pumpkin because I kept to my 3 hour time limit, afraid if I pushed it longer, I would not be okay to drive home. Just like Cinderella, the illusion would end at the appointed time. In my case, the illusion is “normal human being.”

I really appreciate the cooling vest so I was able to be there for the 3 hours like normal person. Without it, my body would have had the “drunk” symptoms and I definitely would not have been able to drive home. I told someone this week that I am a cheap date. There is no alcohol required for me to feel drunk – all I have to do is hang out in the heat for awhile with no cooling vest and my body will have all the symptoms. I do not understand how I was able to cope the past few years before I got the cooling vest.

Earlier this summer, I had posted about wanting to say “yes” more. The cooling vest gave me the ability to say “yes” to going to a birthday party without having to worry about my symptoms. Without the cooling vest, I would have been less likely to go because I cannot handle the heat. 

I should be thankful for my pumpkin time. I have not had a summer this good when I have been this functional in a really long time. But it’s hard. I know how good I used to be, and I don’t think I will ever be at that level again. I have brief – maybe 5 minute – moments of normality when I think I can do it all, only to realize I can’t. My 5 minutes of normality usually comes when the cooling vest clears my brain fog. Those moments are fleeting.

This morning, while listening to another of my favorite radio programs, the Sounds of Sinatra, I heard a commercial for little red and yellow pills for a male dysfunction disorder. It got me thinking about the red and blue pill dilemma in The Matrix. 

We have a similar scenario in the running community. In the online running forums, one of the games we like to play is discussing this red/blue pill scenario. In running, we usually say that the red pill will allow you 5 amazing running years of reaching PRs and breaking records, followed by 10 years of not being able to run anymore. The blue pill would allow you 15 years of being able to run continuously at an average level. 

I have always responded to this that I would take the blue pill. I would want the 15 years of running, even if it was only at an average level. I cannot imagine not being able to run. I would take the illusion to be happy.

However, now that I am experiencing this situation in real life, I’m not quite sure. It currently appears I have been handed the blue pill. I am functioning at an okay level. I’m not as good as I was, but not horrible either. I know there are people who “have it worse,” but that doesn’t help me  at all when I am the one trying to live THIS life in THIS body. 

Mainly, I’m just tired. I wish pumpkin time could last for an entire day, not just 3 hours. Maybe in time, I will get there. It would be no problem to continually recharge and change the phase change packs in the cooling vest so I could wear it all day. The problem is that my body physically gives out to exhaustion after about the 3 hour mark. 

My goal over the next two years is to hopefully be able to extend pumpkin time to 5 hours. I want to be able to run a full marathon again. Right now, I am pretty sure I am okay to run my half marathon this fall. The big question is that I want to be able to run another full marathon, and I don’t think my body will cooperate for it. My body betrays me. 

While most people this summer are popping a top proclaiming “miller time,” “molson time,” or “whatever your poison time,” for me, it is putting on a cooling vest for pumpkin time. I have about 3 hours a day to be normal before exhaustion claims my body – what will we say “yes” to today?