Saving Flower Part 2: Forever Home Needed

December 26, 2024 / rachelgoes262 / 3 Comments

Flower was used as bait by a dog fighting ring. I have been very clear about that from day one. Some people have inquired about adopting Flower. I tell them she was used as bait by a dog fighting ring, tell them about her injuries, mobility issues and medical needs. People then proceed to ask me if she is okay with dogs?

I will no longer answer that question. This cat was brutally injured by dogs on purpose, then thrown out like trash. They either thought she was dead or just threw her out to die from her injuries. You think she can live with dogs? I taught pre-school for 15 years and always said there was no such thing as a stupid question. I stand corrected.

Now that Flower has been with me for two months as a foster, I have learned some things about her needs for a forever home and want to provide an update. Many people have asked. It is disheartening for me to detail things to people only to have them ask questions like “is she okay with dogs?”

If you intend to make a serious inquiry to adopt Flower, then you need to read all of this and be very clear about her needs. Do not waste my time with questions about things like dogs that I have clearly stated from day one: NO DOGS.

I don’t mean to be rude, but she deserves the BEST POSSIBLE forever home with ALL THE LOVE. This cat has been to HELL and back.

I never intended to foster. I am one person with three house cats of my own. I have a disability, I work full-time, and I experience continual and repeated criminal harassment from my neighbors that results in physical injury. Taking on Flower has been a challenge for me with everything else I am facing. It is very difficult for me to keep everyone safe with the way the neighbors behave. I have zero regrets about helping her. But I also don’t have spoons to deal with stupidity.

I am not an official foster. When I contacted the shelter to report her injury, they said they were full. They would not help. I trapped her and got her to medical care. The shelter is not offering any support or advice or help to find her a forever home. They are full and overwhelmed. Their attitude was to shrug and say, “oh well.” We do not have any humane charities here that responds to injured animals. I have no regrets about trapping her or helping her. I truly believe that if she was outside for another winter, she would have seized up with the arthritis and froze to death, unable to move to reach the insulated cat shelters I provide.

Back to Flower’s needs:

Flower needs to be adopted by an experienced cat person. However, she needs to be the ONLY PET in the home. She would be perfect for someone who may have lost a furbaby and is ready to love again.

Flower has been here for two months. My house cats have been completely welcoming and accommodating. None of my house cats have hissed, growled, or in any way acted aggressively to Flower. They either ignore her completely or approach slowly in a questioning manner.

Flower is terrified of my house cats. She was bullied by other cats outside. Due to her mobility issues, Flower cannot defend herself. Her only ways of defense are to hide and to hiss. Flower hisses and growls at my house cats. She is afraid of them. Even when they are ignoring her and pass by as a normal course of their day, she is scared.

It would not be fair to Flower to have to share her forever home with another pet when she is clearly scared of other cats. We all know cat introductions are a long and tedious process to be sure they are done right. As I’ve said, Flower has been here two months with no aggression from my house cats. She sees them through a screen door. Yet she is terrified when the pass by.

Flower should be with someone home a lot. A retired person or WFH home would be great. She loves attention and would flourish where she can be the center of attention.

To interact with Flower, you need to get on the floor.

Flower cannot jump or climb. I have provided pet steps. They are too much for her. Her forever home may want to consider a ramp to see if that is an option.

She may want to sit in your lap, but she cannot physically get there. You need to pick her up, put her on your lap, and put her back down. For safety reasons, I do this when sitting on the floor in case she gets scared or wants to leave my lap. If I am sitting on the floor, she has only a few inches down and won’t get hurt like she would a fall from a chair or couch.

Her interactions:

Flower cowers. She has been with me for two months now and still hides in her box. She does enjoy her morning treats (second breakfast). She will approach for treats. She is very intelligent and recognizes the treat bag. Once she has her treats, she returns to her box.

I do put the treats in a trail to get her to leave her room and praise her and give pets. She always returns to her box after treats.

If you hold your hand out for her to investigate, she will headbutt your hand when she wants pets. She likes head scritches. Sometimes she will lick your hand.

She does not walk around while I am in the room.

She very rarely will eat in front of me except for treats.

I have given her full access to the upstairs of my house to explore. She very rarely leaves her room. She prefers to stay in her safe space.

She requires a lot of patience. She saw me outside for 6 years feeding her and talking to her. It took her 6 years to go into the trap for help. She has been here for two months and still has not come out of her shell.

We had a visitor two weeks ago. She was terrified and hid. This is a cat who will hide for several weeks or months. She will not come up to you. Cats like Flower sit in shelters forever before adopted because they are scared. Cats like Flower are euthanized in shelters.

Flower’s preference is to sit next to you while you pet her, and she purrs.

Flower does not play with toys, probably due to her medical issues. She does have a few stuffies she likes to cuddle. Her stuffies, blankets, carrier, cat bed, etc. will go with her to her forever home.

Her injuries and mobility:

Flower is at least 12 years old, estimated by the vet. The vet’s exact words for her are “geriatric special needs.” She was in a home for the first 5 years of her life before she was kicked out, used as bait, and then outside for 6 years before I could trap her. For more on being used as bait, read part one.

Her dental health in general is good. She is missing one upper canine.

Her entire pelvis was crushed. This is why she cannot jump or climb. She can run.

She has a stub tail. It is unknown at this point why. She does wag her tail when you pet her and when she is happy.

She had severe injuries to her right arm and arthritis has set in. The entire reason why I trapped her was because she was limping. She needs extra heat. She has a heat disc I heat for her twice a day and put in her cat bed that will go with her to her forever home.

You need to keep an eye on her movements for any limping. She will need further treatment for that injury. It is unclear at this time if the vet can do something for the arthritis or if there is a possibility she would need to be a tripod. Any adopter needs to keep an eye on her for limping and be prepared for ongoing medical needs if she needs arthritis injections/treatment or potential surgery.

Her eating and toileting:

Due to her injuries and mobility issues, Flower’s food and water dishes should be elevated. I have a pet shelf that is being used for this purpose. It will go with her to her forever home.

She eats and drinks normally. She is on a schedule for breakfast.

She is not on a set schedule for dinner yet. We are still working on that.

She toilets normally. Be aware that due to her mobility issues, she should have a cat pan with a low step-in / step-out. You should consider one of the cat pans for senior cats or even for kittens to meet her needs.

She does groom herself but also needs help. She is not physically able to use cat scratchers either vertical or horizontal – both have been provided. You will need to keep up on keeping her nails trimmed. She does not like her nails trimmed. I am working with her on this – trying to pet paws to get used to being handled, etc. Please be aware she may bite you when you cut her nails because she does not like it. This is the only time she has ever shown any aggression.

Flower allows all pets and handling. It is very easy to put her in a carrier for transport. The vet office was surprised at how easy she was to handle. This cat is NOT feral and never was. She is severely traumatized. She cooperated with the vet visit much more than expected and they were able to do a lot.

This is the most submissive cat I have ever seen, and I used to volunteer in a shelter.

My Thoughts

I’m not going to lie. This is hard for me emotionally. I want to keep Flower. I wish I could keep Flower. I cannot keep her and it breaks my heart. Flower needs a forever home and it’s not mine. There are three reasons I can’t keep her:

Flower needs to be the only pet in a home. It is not fair to Flower for her to live here permanently when she is obviously scared of other cats. (It’s also very hard on me and the house cats to have her separated).
I can’t keep them all safe. We have been physically injured by the neighbors since I reported the dog fighting ring. Battery is not a crime in NYS. Read more about the dog fighting ring in part one. Bottom line, the neighbor attacks are ongoing and continuous. I struggle to keep myself and my three house cats safe. Basically, I can’t. We have been physically injured by the neighbors and needed medical care twice. There is no way I can keep Flower safe too. The local government and sheriff department refuse to do anything about the criminal harassment we are experiencing. I have experienced retaliation for complaining.
We are living in an ongoing pandemic. I am one of the ones that is supposed to “fall by the wayside.” I have had medical professionals and multiple people in the community tell me to my face that I need to hurry up and die already. I don’t want to die. I love being alive. Specifically, I need to outlive my cats to keep them all together. You have heard of bonded duos. I truly have a bonded trio with my house cats. There is no way I can take on a 4^th. I very much worry about what will happen to my cats if something happens to me.

Flower needs a forever home where she will be loved and cherished like she deserves. She should be in an experienced cat home that can meet her needs. She needs to be an only pet as she is so scared of other cats. Finding her a forever home is like finding a needle in a haystack. I have no shelter, rescue or anyone helping with this.

Combine that with the fact I am immune compromised and have a disability that impacts my driving. No, I cannot drive hours for her to meet you. I can do about an hour drive on a good way. I am willing to try to coordinate transport for her to a forever home. It will be challenging.

I can tell you right now a “meet and greet” with Flower will fail spectacularly. She will be terrified and hide. She may hide from you for weeks or months when you adopt her. Are you prepared for that? Or are you going to get frustrated, kick her out, give her back or give her up to be killed?

She needs a forever home with someone with A LOT of patience who is prepared to take on a cat who has experienced severe abuse at the hands of humans and has trust issues. She has ongoing medical needs.

Flower needs a very special retirement home.

Since it is just me helping her, any potential adopters will be very thoroughly vetted. Expect to have multiple conversations and provide references. Every single human has let this cat down. I am not going to let her down. I am doing everything I can to set her up for success in a forever home.

Please also understand how hard this is for me. I never fostered before. I was shocked when the shelter said they would not help an injured animal. I couldn’t just turn away. I had to help. I trapped her. I’m giving her a home right now, but this is not the best for her permanently.

I would love to keep her, but I truly believe based on her behavior, she needs to be in an only pet home. Part of me still has hope she will relax and stop hissing at my house cats and accept them, but the reality is, she fears them, no matter how friendly and welcoming they are. Flower would be most comfortable as an only pet.

I am very attached to her. Every cat I have ever adopted has been for life. Fostering is hard. I did not expect this. I thought the shelter would take her when I reported her injured. I have no regrets about helping her, but this is hard. I love her so much, but I know I am not the best forever home for her.

I am open to SERIOUS inquiries for a forever home for her. If you have made it this far, thank you for caring enough to read.

Saving Flower (Dog Fighting Ring Bait Survivor) Part One

November 11, 2024 / rachelgoes262 / 3 Comments

Flower has been mentioned in this blog on and off for the past six years. For the most recent post about Flower, see Last Stray Surviving. For more background about the active dog fighting ring and how I found out about it, see Clare’s Story.

The dog fighting ring has been reported, but nothing is being done about it. The SPCA and the Sheriff Department state that it brings in too much money. People bet on dog fighting. When asked about the cat used as bait for the dog fighting ring, both the SPCA and the Sheriff’s Department have said, verbatim, “cats don’t feel pain.” This is how they justify animal abuse. Of course, this is false. Cats do feel pain.

The local SPCA fired their humane officer and is set to close. While they have not publicly admitted it, I am wondering if this is due to their inaction about the dog fighting ring. I did not know there was a dog fighting ring here until I found a spray-painted cat (see Clare’s Story) taking refuge on my front porch. Since Clare, I have trapped and gotten four cats to rescue.

Flower is the last cat in this area to help. As described in Last Stray Surviving, Flower had lived in the house next door. The dog was taken for neglect and Flower was kicked out of the house, as the local SPCA does not care about the welfare of cats. Those neighbors have since moved. Flower has been on her own outside since being kicked out of her home.

She often takes refuge in my garage where I provide food, water, and insulated cat shelters to try to help the cats trying to evade being used as bait for the dog fighting ring. Members of the dog fighting ring often cruise throughout the village saying “here kitty, kitty” trying to trap their next victim.

A few years ago, I saw that Flower had been spray painted and had a broken front arm. She had been used as bait for the dog fighting ring. I tried to trap her to get her medical care. I was unsuccessful. I have trapped and gotten four other cats to rescue. It was always whoever went into the trap was rescued. Flower never went into the trap.

In addition to the SPCA that is closing and says, “cats don’t feel pain,” there is a small non-profit cat rescue in my area that is run completely by volunteers. It is the rescue from which Simon was adopted. They are the rescue that helped me with three of the cats I trapped. In fact, it is that small non-profit rescue who told me that cats were spray-painted when they are being used as bait for dog fighting rings. I never would have known there was a dog fighting ring here if not for that first spray-painted cat.

Anytime I trapped a cat to take to rescue was when this small cat shelter had room. They know I am trying to help the cats here escape the dog fighting ring so they are not used as bait. They would say they had a space. I would set the trap. Whoever went into the trap went to rescue.

The fourth cat, Kenny, was super friendly and young. She was one of two kittens that had been thrown out of a pickup truck here. I was worried about her being easy to pick up as bait for the dog fighting ring. The small rescue here that had taken the other three cats was full. Through the power of Cats of Twitter, I was able to trap Kenny and get her to a rescue about three hours away from me. She is now in a loving forever home.

Flower is the only stray left.

Every time I walk into my kitchen, I look out the window for Flower. When it rains, I see her taking refuge in my garage. I take fresh food and water out to the garage every morning. Flower hides under my car. I talk to her. We have been doing this for six years. Over time, she has gradually let me get closer to her, but did not allow touching yet.

About two weeks ago, I looked out the window, and Flower was noticeably limping. She was favoring her front right arm. She was struggling to run, which is a bad sign when there is a dog fighting ring looking for bait.

I contacted the small shelter that helped me with the other cats. They are full. They do not respond to injured cats. The SPCA that is closing is responsible for responding to injured animals. Their response? “It’s fine. She’ll adapt.” They also indicated that if they sent out a deputy that Flower would be shot as a mercy killing for an injured animal.

This cat should not be shot and killed. This cat needs help.

So Flower limped along and everyone in this neighborhood smiled and nodded seeing an animal in pain. The neighbors around me love seeing people and animals in pain. If you read my other posts about the attacks and physical injuries the neighbors have inflicted on me and my house cats, you know they are sadists.

Call me stupid, but seeing an animal in pain is very distressing to me. I could not just watch her limp and do nothing.

So even though the rescue is full and won’t take her, I set the trap. Flower is injured and needs medical care.

I honestly did not expect to trap her. I have not been able to trap her for six years. I was not able to trap her when she had visible broken bones after being used as bait for the dog fighting ring.

I must have caught every cat in the village in my live trap. Of course, I released them all. Some even had collars. No wonder I’ve been going through so much cat food for the outside cats! I’ve been feeding every outside cat in the village.

Trapping is very hard on me physically due to my disability. I said that after day five, I would stop trapping. I haven’t been able to trap Flower for six years. If I couldn’t get her now after five days, I would stop.

When the trap was set for those five days, the only food dish in the garage was inside the trap. I was literally starving her out. If she wanted food to eat, she needed to go into the trap. I know I am Flower’s only food source. I see her every day.

It was about lunchtime on day five when my security camera picked up Flower sneaking into the garage. Those days when they trap was set, Flower did not come around much. She gets overwhelmed with a lot of other cats, and there was so many cats coming to the garage for food and going into the trap instead!

I waited a bit and went into the garage on the afternoon of day five. Flower was in the trap!

I quickly brought her into my basement where I have a dog cage set up with cat pan, food, water, blankets, etc that I use when I trap cats. The cats I have trapped have stayed with me anywhere from 2-7 days depending on when I can coordinate transfer to the rescue, so that is where Flower went.

The day I caught Flower was a Sunday afternoon. I called the vet office first thing Monday morning and was able to get her in to be seen Monday afternoon due to her injuries.

The shelter is full. I never would have trapped a cat with the shelter being full except this cat is injured. I only trapped her because she is injured and needs help.

For the record, the shelter will no longer respond to me. They will not help with any advice or support for fostering, they are not helping to find her a home. Nothing. I am 100% responsible for helping this injured cat. I am responsible for her medical bills, care, fostering and trying to find her an appropriate forever home. I did the right thing and have no regrets, but way to shit on a person for doing the right thing. I’ve been completely abandoned by the shelter that had been helping me with the cats being used as bait for the dog fighting ring because they are full.

I cannot take on a fourth cat for multiple reasons. I cannot do this long term.

Here is what is happening with Flower medically and her status:

I am fostering her until I can find her an appropriate forever home.

Right now, I am so overwhelmed with her care, my three house cats, working full time, and just life, that I don’t have enough spoons to find her a forever home. I need help. This is a lot of time and energy for someone who struggles with their every day.

I was correct that Flower is the cat from the house next door that was kicked out and those people moved years ago. I thought she was about 7 years old. The vet said she is at least 12 years old. She is geriatric. She is a spayed female. Well, they confirmed female. They did not shave her to look for the tattoo for the spay, but there have not been any kittens. Based on what one of the children told me before they moved, I’m pretty sure she is spayed.

She is riddled with fleas. They gave her flea treatment, worm treatments, rabies vaccine, distemper, etc.

Flower is very gentle and sweet. She allows pets. She did extremely well with all handling at the vet office. They said they can’t handle feral cats how they handled her – this cat is NOT feral!

She just needs love and patience. They were able to do more for her than expected. We were there for a long time and it totally put the vet schedule off because they were able to do so much with her. She even behaved better than Jude when he goes to the vet.

They said her teeth are ok. She is missing an upper canine tooth.

They did a blood test for feline leukemia and feline AIDS. Both test came back negative.

She does not have a microchip. I told them I thought she would scan to the house next door, but there is no microchip.

They gave her medication at the vet office for her injuries. She ate it in baby food. They sent me home with medication to give her the next 3 days.

Injuries —

She has injuries to her hind legs up into her pelvis. The vet thinks these are old injuries. The limp I am seeing is that there is an injury to her right elbow. Again, the vet thinks this is an old injury. What it looks like is one dog attacked her hind end and the other one grabbed her right arm.

Anyways, the vet says that they are old injuries, however, the injury to the right elbow is what is causing the limp I am seeing and caught on video. She thinks that arthritis has set in, given her age, living outside and the weather getting colder.

Flower needs to be kept in an inside home. She will need a home that can handle a geriatric special needs cat and will need additional care to more properly ascertain the extent of her injuries and how to make her comfortable.

For now, she has pain medication and is fine in the dog cage with movement restricted. I did heat up the heat disc I had been using for her outside and put that in with her. I am trying to provide her with as much extra warmth as possible for arthritis. She is still hiding in the cat pan, which is normal behavior the first few days after trapping. She is traumatized with the whole situation.

The vet office does not normally help to find animals homes. That’s not what they do. However, now that they have examined her and see she is a geriatric special needs cat, they are going to try to help see if they can help me figure something out.

I am thinking that her issues are basically going to be mobility issues given her injuries, but I’m not 100% certain. At some point, she will need full blood testing for kidneys, thyroid, etc.

So, Flower is currently with me as a foster situation. For those of you who follow us on Twitter (and now Bluesky), I have been posting an Evening Foster Flower update daily. She has been with me for about a week now.

This obviously is an ongoing issue, which is why this is part one. Flower was injured. The shelter was going to euthanize her. I trapped her and got her medical care.

She will need a very special forever home who can handle a special needs geriatric cat who is completely traumatized from being used as a bait cat.

Despite her horrible life, Flower is a sweet and loving cat. She is very submissive and allows all handling. She will need a patient home with a lot of love.

Now that Flower has been trapped, I am no longer putting food and water out in my garage for the outside cats. Many of the cats who were in the trap had collars. They are not homeless. I am leaving the insulated cat shelters for anyone who needs them.

Yes, we have an active dog fighting ring here that is still looking for bait. I have now trapped and helped five cats’ escape. I can’t do any more. Especially now that I am fostering Flower, I just can’t help anymore. I am surprised and dismayed that there is no help for injured animals here. If you find an injured animal, you are 100% responsible for it. I do not regret getting Flower medical care, but trying to foster a fourth cat is very, very hard.

When Flower needs further medical care, I will probably set up a GFM for help. The extent of her medical issues is not yet known. This is going to be ongoing. Her initial vet visit was for the arm injury, vaccines, etc.

I will need help finding her an appropriate forever home. I am trying to think about what that looks like, the process for finding her a home and vetting a home. Right now I am so overwhelmed with the day to day.

The good news is, I no longer must worry about outside cats. I had been worried that if my house cats and I need to evacuate our home due to imminent risk of physical injuries from neighbor attacks, that I would not be able to help the outside cats. Now that Flower has been trapped, I only must worry about keeping everyone safe who is under my roof.

The neighbors are an ongoing problem and continue to threaten our safety daily.

Flower needs a forever home. I can’t keep her. Right now I am focusing on the health and safety of everyone in this house.

So this is part one of Flower’s story. I’m sure there will be a part two, as she needs a forever home that can meet her needs. I cannot keep myself and four cats safe from the attacks from the neighbors.

Peace, Love & 2018

January 2, 2018 / rachelgoes262 / Leave a comment

Peace

Sometimes you need a change of scenery. Sometimes you just need to change your point of view. I recently changed clubs for my gym membership. It was a great choice. In this instance, I definitely needed a change of scenery.

Mostly, the new club is easier to drive to, has more parking available, and better hours to accommodate my bizarre schedule. I typically rename the treadmill “the freak mill” because I hate being on it and the people at the gym are a little crazy. However, this year, I am just happy to be running. I’ve also changed my point of view. I am so thankful to be running again after my lost season due to stroke.

My 2018 running season is planned. I start training for my marathon the first week of June. That means that the first six months of 2018 are all about building base and preparing to implement my new training program. Running brings a lot of peace to my life, and I am definitely in a good place right now with my running schedule.

Love

Introducing … Simon. (Photo above.) Simon has been apart of our lives for about two months now. I know I said I would not adopt again and that Jude was going to be an only child. Except Jude was quite vocal about being alone (and he is typically the shyest cat EVER). I was apprehensive about adopting again. I was not sure if I was ready. I actually visited and played with Simon for about three weeks in the shelter before adopting him.

I’m glad we did. Simon is 1 ½ and has a lot of energy. He is bringing Jude out of his shell and keeping me on my toes. He behaves like a little demon, but he is so darn cute that it’s hard to be mad when he’s acting his age.

Simon has brought the love and a sense of normalcy back to our household. Looking back, I can see that not only was I super depressed (and still sad) about Kitty dying, but I was depressed before Kitty died. I took care of him and did his cancer medication for over a year. Our entire household felt like death for about a year and a half.

Simon has brought the love and sun back for Jude and me.

2018

While minimizing my life and living simply is an ongoing journey, my major goal for 2018 is my kitchen. With kitchen changes, come food and nutrition changes, so this will hopefully be a positive for both my running and management of my food allergies.

I now have five glass Pyrex bowls for work lunches. My goal is to get rid of all the plastic in the kitchen and use glass only.

All the plastic is going into a box for a year. Typically, I put donation items in a box and get rid of the box as soon as it’s full. Most people will suggest putting things in a box and saving the box for three months. If after three months you have not opened the box and don’t need anything in it, then get rid of the stuff. With the plastic items, I am boxing them for a year.

The reason why I am boxing kitchen plastic for a year is that even though I am confident that I can go glass only in the kitchen, plastic is useful when I am traveling. It is lighter weight and won’t break. So I am boxing the plastic for a year and only taking out what I absolutely need for travel this year, which will include my usual camping trip and marathon trip. This way, when I completely get rid of kitchen plastic next year, I will only keep enough plastic pieces absolutely necessary for travel. I figure this is better than trying to guess or choosing an arbitrary number, like keep 5 plastic containers.

I am also going to be menu planning this year to be sure that I am managing my food allergies well, getting all my nutrients, and using up food. I have a lot of food in my house. Part of it is the multiple food allergies – I stockpile because it is challenging to find things I can eat.

This year, I have made a 5-day emergency food kit. The recommendation is 3 days, but I am going for a 5-day due to the food allergies and the fact that during the blizzard of 2017, I was literally snowed in my house for four days. The snowplow was stuck at the end of my road, so we could not go anywhere if we wanted. This way, even if I eat all the food in the house (unlikely), I have a 5-day supply emergency supply.

Now that I have the 5-day emergency kit, my goal is to eat the food in the house so that there is not so much of it and so that I can do a better job of food planning instead of just having a bunch of random things everywhere. For example, in addition to the food cupboard, I also have two storage racks of food. My goal is to just have the food in the cupboard. As long as we are not snowed in, I can get to the store at least once a week, so there is no reason for all this food. Time to focus on nutrition and planning.

Peace, love, and running for 2018. Happy New Year!

Happy 18th Birthday, Kitty

July 24, 2016July 24, 2016 / rachelgoes262 / Leave a comment

Kitty has been with me longer than any human being, including my parents. In 18 years, the longest amount of time we have ever been separated is a time span of 3 nights.

I’m not sure how much longer we have together. It’s hard watching his decline. Although his health is currently stable on medication, I will honestly be surprised if he makes it to 19. It’s possible this is his last birthday.

Kitty has literally been by my side through everything, even when no one else was. When we didn’t have anyplace to live and were living in the car, Kitty always kept a look out & would alert me to anything weird going on while I was sleeping.

When they were little both Kitty and Kip (deceased a few years ago) would go camping with me. They are leash trained, and were perfectly fine outside at the campsite and walking the trail.

I was thinking that if Kitty had been with me on that camping trip from hell, that he would have protected me. Kitty has spunk. He will walk right up to a dog and start a fight. Then, I think, Kitty 10 or 15 or maybe even 5 years ago would have done that. But Kitty today is so old and frail that although his fighting spirit is still alive and well, there is absolutely nothing he could do physically to intimidate or protect like he used to do.

Kitty snuggles my head as we sleep each night. The past few months have been hard. As his health has declined, he has not been able to control his hind nails like he used to, and his back claws are almost always out. I notice it because now when he snuggles me, I’m constantly getting scratched. I guess I took for granted for 17 years that when he slept with me, he kept his hind claws retracted out of courtesy.

He has a hard time getting comfortable. I notice this in the way he plops himself down now. He has to lay on a side and cannot just lay straight on, which I’m sure is due to the tumor in his intestines.

It’s hard watching my best friend go downhill. I don’t know what I’m going to do without him, but I don’t want him to hang on just for me.

We had the discussion a few weeks ago, in which I told him that if he needs to go (pass a way), I understand. He’s given me the very best of himself his entire life, and he deserves to rest free from pain.

But, he’s a fighter. Kitty is still fighting. I can tell he’s not ready to go yet. As long, as he’s not in pain, that’s okay. I know I’m going to lose it when the time comes.

Kitty and I grew up together. He picked me out at the animal shelter when he was 4 months old. We’ve been together for half of my life, and pretty much all of his.

Losing Kitty is going to be harder on me than losing anyone else in my life.

But for today, he is stable. He looks happy, and he is definitely still showing that fighting spirit that says, “I’m here. I love you, and I’m not going anywhere.”

Happy 18th Birthday to my son, my best friend, the one who grew up with me, who taught me to adult, and through it all, made me a better person. I wouldn’t be who I am without you in my life.

I love you, Kitty. It’s wishful thinking, but here’s hoping for a few more birthdays.

Enjoy the Ride

March 6, 2016 / rachelgoes262 / 1 Comment

One of my favorite well wishes is the reflection that a birthday is the start of another 365-day journey around the sun. Enjoy the ride! Birthdays are my favorite holiday. Not only are they a celebration of life, but also recognition of those people who are important in our lives. I always say that every time I get a birthday, it is like a giant middle finger to the world that I was able to survive another year of whatever life threw at me.

My birthday is coming up soon, so it is that time of reflection upon the prior year and also goals and wishes for the year forthcoming. My wish for 36 was for a quiet year. Ages 34 and 35 were quite tumultuous with negative life changes and health crises. I had wanted 36 to be quiet after all the excitement. I got my wish. Not only was age 36 a quiet year, but also it was quiet with a sweet sort of joy I have never before experienced.

In my early 30s, I had read an article quoting an English study regarding happiness across development that claimed that age 33 was the happiest age across the lifespan. In general, I would have to say I agree. I have been saying for the past few years that age 33 was the best year of my life, before it all went to hell with age 34 and 35, but you never get a rainbow without a little rain. Age 33 was a great year. Sure, it had some challenges, as life always does, but there were some major milestones and great moments in my 33^rd year. I was able to see my favorite baseball team play in their home stadium for the first time in my life. It is an experience that I know I will think of dearly when my time comes and my life is flashing before my eyes.

However, as age 36 comes to a close, I have to say that in its own unique, unassuming way, age 36 has now usurped age 33 as the happiest year of my life. As with any age, this past year has had it’s own set of challenges, yet the positives of the past year have far outweighed the negatives. This is what has made age 36 my best and most favorite year ever:

I fell in love (again). Anyone who has ever been in love and then somehow lost it, either through death or through the drifting apart that people sometimes do, will tell you that love is that magical feeling that seemingly comes once in a lifetime. We often do not even realize that this is IT: this particular person/relationship/event is love until after it has passed. In general, I would agree. The person with whom I thought I was going to spend the rest of my life with passed away 10 years ago now, and I had resigned myself to the fact that I had found the love that you only find once in life, and that the only thing I would be able to find in the future is maybe a comfortable companionship.

This year I fell in love again and I would have to say that not only was it not expected, but it is also the type of love that I realize and understand that this is IT. It is not something fickle or fly-by-night. Rather, this is a person I have known almost all my life, and has grown quietly through the years while I was busy making other plans. If there were ever a pure form of love, I have it, and to experience that type of love is truly a gift. I have learned that love can give you joy and love can bring you pain. Loving someone means being comfortable with and giving them room to be their own person, make their own choices, and find their own happiness, whether or not that includes me. I have learned that I can love someone very deeply, even if it is a person with whom a relationship does not work out. While love is pure, time is of the devil’s making, and true love understands the only way to love is to give yourself so completely that you are vulnerable to the possibility of loss.

I found myself, and I did not experience an existential crisis in the process. I am the Queen of the Existential Crisis. Pretty much everyone around me will attest that I spent most of my 20s in Where’s Waldo mode, only to have matured in my 30s to a more suave Carmen Sandiago persona, complete with brimmed hat and dreams of world travel. I am staring down age 37 and can proudly say “no mid-life crisis for me” (yet)! I completed my final degree after spending 20 years in school and have eased into my retirement from my life as a professional college student more comfortable in my own skin that I have ever been at any point in my life. I have been better able to handle life’s challenges in stride and have surprised myself with my ability to adult.

I have arrived. Life is a journey, and while I agree with that sentiment in general, I have to say that there is some feeling of accomplishment when we cross a finish line and recognize how far we have come, even with so far to go. I am at a good place in life. While I still struggle and face health challenges, I am finally at a position in my life where I am able to take care of myself in the best way possible. After over a decade of working multiple jobs, 60-70 hours per week, with often only holidays as a day off, I now have employment I enjoy. I have employment I enjoy, that pays me well, and gives me days off. This gives me the freedom to have time to spend doing whatever I choose and also time to be able to take care of myself better than I have been able to take care of myself before. While I face many challenges with my multiple food allergies and autoimmune disorder, I can say that especially in the past year, I have finally been able to make the life changes necessary to put me on the path to good health instead of simply being subject to the whim of my disease.

Part of my efforts to rewind real slow is to help me take care of myself better so that I can enjoy life more. Life is short, and I have sacrificed so much in the pursuit of my education. This past year, I have finally arrived at the point where I am able to live instead of simply survive, and I now see how truly sweet life can be. In 35 years, I had never seen this sweetness of life on such a broad scale. I had caught glimpses of happiness at certain times, but this past year has been the first time I have experienced a sustained sort of joy and contentment in life I have never before seen.

Looking forward to age 37, my wishes are that I am able to take everything I have learned in the past year and continue to grow. I am hoping to be able to get my autoimmune disorder and food allergies under control so that I can enjoy parts of life I am sure I have never imagined. I hope that I am able to make good choices and can continue to surprise myself with my ability to adult. In all honesty, I am hoping to be the type of person this year that my cat thinks I am. Out of all the things I have learned in the past year, I have discovered that the most important is love. While it may sound trite, my cats are the only ones who have been constant in my everyday life for 18 years, and I hope to be everything to them that they have been to me, especially as Kitty will probably only be around for a few more years. I want to enjoy this life I have created for myself and utilize the freedom I have to chart my own course.

So while I am unsure of what age 37 has in store, I am at a good place with firm footing to face whatever is coming. I am hoping that after all the storms I have weathered, that this is my time for a rainbow, and that I can truly take my time to enjoy my ride around the sun.

Happy 4th Birthday, Jude

February 14, 2016 / rachelgoes262 / Leave a comment

Two years ago when we were still grieving the loss of Kip, who completed our triad, Kitty and I decided to open our home, and consequentially our hearts, to a timid, shy newcomer for companionship. Not only is today the two-year anniversary of the day we adopted Jude, but it is also his 4^th birthday.

Jude stole the show and is one of the loves of my life. In the two years since he has entered our home, he has come out of his shell to share with us his spunk, ingenuity, and childlike love of life. Jude has reminded me to not take life to seriously; sometimes we need to just enjoy and laugh. While his antics are sometimes aggravating, they are, for the most part, harmless, and always bring a smile.

When he is clinging to a window frame tittering about a bird outside, I jokingly call him Spider Cat for his ability to climb places I never thought possible. He is actually able to do so not only with agility but also without destroying anything in the process. With a preference for high, small spaces, Jude has figured out how to hide in the empty cupboard above the refrigerator and has also realized that if he pops out of said cupboard when I walk into the kitchen, he can usually get a rise out of me. Jude definitely keeps us on our toes.

He is the perfect companion for Kitty, who, believe it or not, at the ripe old age of 17 still likes to play every once in awhile, and Jude is happy to oblige. When they are not playing together, Jude always brings a smile in the way he plays with toys by himself or by simply chasing his own tail. He is well acclimated to the fact that it takes Kitty longer to eat due to his advanced age, and it respectful in allowing him time and space to eat his food without trying to steal it from him.

Jude still freaks out over vacuum cleaners and guests. We rarely get visitors at our house, but when we do, he always hides as if his life depends upon it. Jude has warmed up to both Kitty and I over the past two years. He often sits on my lap and loves to sit right next to Kitty. Honestly, I am surprised and delighted at how well Kitty has accepted him into our lives.

Two years ago on Valentine’s Day, I was home from work on a snow day, yet the roads north of us were bare and clear. Friends knew that we were looking for a new addition for our home, and on that day, the phone call came that the fit for us was at a shelter about two hours north. I made the drive, and spent some time confirming, that yes, this was indeed the one. Jude entered our home at a time in our lives when we were still raw and sore from Kip’s passing. Jude entered our home and our hearts with grace and style. He has completed life for both Kitty and me these past two years. Happy 4^th Birthday, Jude. You are truly the love of our lives.

Digital Sabbatical

November 2, 2015November 2, 2015 / rachelgoes262 / Leave a comment

An update on my pulling the plug post, as one of the intentions of this blog is to hold myself accountable to my goals; I have not done well with pulling the plug on technology and making my interactions more meaningful. I was successful for awhile, but then discovered that I was not getting the type of engagement in real life that my brain required, and I tend to get more attention online than I do in real life.

The past two months have been a learning experience in how I interact with the world and have forced me to take a step back and evaluate my relationships more critically. The benefit to having an online presence is that it results in more interactions than in real life. By the same token, the detriment is that constantly being plugged in results in increased levels of anxiety and decreased ability to focus on the task at hand.

I took a digital sabbatical this weekend to unwind after a particularly challenging week of all things grad school on top of my normal day-to-day responsibilities. While my phone has been off and I have not been on social media, I have used an Ethernet cord to plug into the internet when I have needed to do something grad school related. Yes, I know the purpose was to unwind, but I am nearing the end here, and need to seriously get some work done.

What I have discovered these past few days is that the people who matter most in my life are already with me – my cats. Other than that, people so rarely contact me that I am sure no one is having meltdown over the fact that I have been unreachable the past few days.

I have discovered that I do, in fact, have a healthy relationship to the internet when I must access it old school via Ethernet cable. I only plugged in when I absolutely needed something this weekend, and not for more than 20-30 minutes per day. My downfall with internet and social media comes from my smart phone. That little square glowing diabolical hand held device that allows instant access to the internet at all times and from all locations.

With my phone off these past few days, I have gotten more accomplished on grad school, I have spent more quality time with my cats (those who are most important), and have even managed to read a novel for leisure that is completely unrelated to any of my degree programs.

I had a real-life in-person discussion a few weeks ago with someone whom I greatly admire about my desire to completely shut off my internet after grad school. That person persuaded me not to, arguing that internet is now a utility much like electricity or gas service, and that the internet provides me with a way to communicate. This is true. So while I will not be getting rid of internet service completely, my goal instead is to put better boundaries around its use.

Saved by the Ethernet cord is how I am going to accomplish this goal. Given that I do not have self-restraint with my so-called smart phone – once I am on the internet for one thing, I am looking at all the things – I will be turning my phone off more and plugging in my Ethernet instead.

I am quite sure that if it was not for the fact that I needed email for things grad school related that I probably would have only been online once in the past 4 days – and that would have been to double check the ingredients for a recipe about which I was doubtful.

I have not missed the status updates, the rants, the raves, or the photos. I more thoroughly enjoyed all my activities this weekend because I was fully present. I enjoyed the sunset. I enjoyed the beach. I enjoyed music. I have had the opportunity to plan my cross training schedule for when I am fully recovered from my running injury.

I am coming up on my last few weeks of grad school before my final defense. I may take a sabbatical every weekend I have off. Really, the only time I need my phone is if work needs to find me or I have to email for things grad school related. My stress levels have been a lot lower the past few days. I am looking forward to returning to work tomorrow energized and focused without the distraction of grad school panic and everything else that overwhelms when you are trying to finish a degree and do 10 million things.

Have you taken a digital sabbatical? Has it been relaxing for you? Have you noticed less anxiety when you turn the smart phone off?

If you are not on social media, how do you improve your in-person interactions? My problem is that I tend to get more interaction with people online than I do in real-life (even though the people I know online I also know in real life). With everyone so busy these days, how do you find or make time to spend with those important to you?

The Lead of Love

September 18, 2015September 18, 2015 / rachelgoes262 / 1 Comment

This is the monthly Feline Friday post on Rewind Real Slow.

“We die containing the richness of lovers and tribes, tastes we have swallowed, bodies we have plunged into and swum up as if rivers of wisdom, characters we have climbed into as if trees, fears we have hidden in as if caves. I wish for all this to be marked on my body when I am dead.” – Michael Ondaatje, The English Patient

About a week after Kitty’s first birthday, Kip walked into our lives. Literally. I had seen this scrappy little orange kitten running around the neighborhood. At the time in the late 90s, Kitty and I had housing, but it was in one of the most drug and crime ridden neighborhoods in a 60-mile radius. I was on my evening walk and saw this little orange kitten on the side of the road, obviously quite hurt. A car had hit him. I tried to find his owners, but no one seemed to claim him or even to care. Not wanting to be accused of cat napping, I talked to him, and he literally followed me home.

So small that he fit inside of a child’s shoebox, I took him to the animal hospital, where he remained for a week. He had a broken arm with permanent nerve damage resulting, as well as severe internal injuries to his side and kidneys. Even after a week in the hospital, he came home with tubing in his side that required me to keep moist and flush with fluids to remove toxins multiple times daily. Due to his size, I had thought he was only a few weeks old. According to dental analysis done by the veterinarian, he was actually 4 months old, his stature diminished by severe malnourishment and neglect.

I already had a Kitty at home, and I did not want to traumatize the orange treasure by renaming him and instituting an identity crisis. I was searching for something close to Kitty (as almost all cats will respond to kitty) that was not kitty; he needed unique nomenclature to fit his persona. I borrowed a name from one of my favorite movies and novels. Kip Quark Anderson had entered our lives.

What I did not realize at the time was how appropriate this name would be to his place and impact upon our lives. Kip was the apple, the joy, and the love of Kitty’s and my life. We had 14 wonderful, beautiful, glorious years together, many of them spent regulating his resulting chronic kidney condition, before he finally succumbed to pancreatitis a few years ago.

Kip was a happy go lucky, playful cat full of joy. He taught Kitty how to not be so uptight, how to relax, how to play. Everyone who met Kip loved him. Kip was leash trained and quite enjoyed walking on a leash, often emulating a dog. He was a frequent visitor to my preschool classroom, where he never failed to delight, entertain, and draw out even the most shy and precarious child in the class.

He handled his chronic health condition with grace and dignity. The nightmare-ish visions of having to “pill a cat” never happened with Kip. I would set his medication on his plate with his breakfast or dinner, and he would happily eat it the same as his food. Towards the end of his life, he was on 5 different medications daily, one of them by dropper, and he never squirmed or protested when it was time for his medications.

Kip kept both Kitty and I from losing our minds. Life was hard in the late 90s and early 2000s, as we faced bad relationships, and sometimes lived in the car. Kip’s attitude was always upbeat and helped to remind Kitty and I of the brighter side of life, that things do in fact, get better. Of all my kids, Kip is probably the one who most taught me how to adult and forced me to create a stability in my life and theirs that I had never experienced as a child. I made sure that he received all the medical care that he required and that I was home to give him his medications on time. I was even able to keep his medication on schedule during my early grad school years when I had a one-way 6-hour plus commute from Central New York to Boston for school.

I had spent my first three years of college as a physics major; The English Patient movie came out my freshman year of college. I was particularly drawn to the character of Kip, as his profession in the novel and movie was exactly what I was studying to do in college. In many ways, Kip the cat fit his namesake. He was proficient in diffusing many tense situations with his absolute love of life and easy-going personality.

What Kip taught me the most in his 14 short years on this planet was love. He taught Kitty too. He taught me that every experience, no matter how dark or dire, has a small sliver of hope. He taught me that every single person we meet in life changes us in ways we may not even see or understand. He lived a very full and very bright life that was nothing but a lead of love to everyone he met.

This month, for #FelineFriday, we honor the memory of Kip. At times in my life when I was trying to go too fast, when I was trying to accelerate at 100mph, Kip always reminded me to slow down and remember the important things. Each experience in our life changes us and stays with us forever. Kip not only led with love, but he has changed my life in ways that will have repercussions until my dying day. Even as I held him in my arms a few years ago, as he passed away, he still taught me in his final breaths, the meaning of love.

Cheers to the memory of Kip this month on Rewind Real Slow. If love could have saved you, you would have lived forever.

36

September 10, 2015September 10, 2015 / rachelgoes262 / 2 Comments

36 life lessons from 36 years of camping, running marathons, teaching preschool, and living life.

As we get older, the quality of our friendships is more important than the quantity of them.

Always pee downhill. Not only should you pee downhill, but also not too close to a tree in case some woodland creature decides to exit their home and accidentally gets a shower at the moment you decide to squat.

If a child gives you a rock or some other small treasure, smile, say thank you, and keep it. Children do not have money to buy things. They do not have jobs. The rock/leaf/whatever is probably the only thing they have to give you of value to show that they like you.

No matter how cute they may look, squirrels and chipmunks can be aggressive. This also goes for kittens, puppies, children and other things in small packages.

Always take rain gear, even if there is no rain in the forecast.

No matter which direction the wind is blowing, it will always send campfire smoke in your face, so do yourself a favor and remove your contacts first.

Sneakers melt when kicking logs that are on fire.

Always take time to look at the stars. They remind you of your place in the universe.

A great radio station can totally make your trip.

You can start a good fire with just wood and matches in about 15 minutes. Add empty toilet paper rolls filled with dryer lint, and you can decrease that time to about 5 minutes.

Obtain wood within 50 miles of your campsite to avoid destroying ecosystems by introducing new predators.

Pack light. The bears aren’t going to care if you wear the same pair of shorts two days in a row and it’s less stuff to haul.

Nap time, time outs, and coloring are all for adults.

While the first and last miles of a marathon are very exciting, its what happens in the middle that makes or breaks your race.

Everything you ever wanted to know about yourself, you can learn in 26.2 miles.

Baby wipes solve a lot of problems – even if you don’t have a baby. Keep a pack in the car – you will be amazed at what you use them for.

The best friends are the ones with whom you can go days without talking to them, and then when you do reconnect, able to pick up exactly where you left off.

If someone fails to communicate with you, and then accuses you of making a bad decision, it is not your fault! You made the best choice you could on the information available, and if the other party properly communicated, you would have made a better choice. Don’t beat yourself up for doing the best with what you have.

Do not live like you are dying. We are all dying every day. Live like it is the first day of your life. You will not be this old or this young again.

Always take time for your grandparents and those older than you. You may have “all the time in the world,” but they do not. Let them know how you feel before they are gone and remember that the greatest gift you can give is your time.

Always ask before touching someone. Always. This goes for children, animals, pregnant women, senior citizens, everyone.

The best times in your life are the moments where you were too busy to take a photo, post a status update, or write something down about it.

“Please” and “thank you” never go out of style. They are timeless. Use them.

If you always tell the truth, you don’t have to remember or worry about lies.

At the end of the day, what matters most is that you are able to sleep at night, content in that your words and actions for the day were your best effort.

It is okay to say “no.”

Take time for you. You cannot pour juice from an empty pitcher. Refill your cup, and when it overflows, you are able to give.

Batting averages are based on best 3 of 4. You don’t have to be perfect to be great.

You may spend 40 hours a week working, but what you do with the other hours of your life is up to you.

It is okay to distance yourself from toxic people, relationships, and situations.

It is okay to sit and do nothing every once in awhile. Really.

Run like you are 6 years old again. Rediscover joy.

If you adopt a pet, remember that this is a commitment for life. Your pet may live for 18-20 years. It is like having a child. Are you ready for that type of responsibility? Do not be flippant with this decision.

If you decide to downsize or minimize, you will not miss or remember the things you get rid of. There is too much clutter in our houses and lives. Let it go.

If you love someone, tell them. Tell them before it’s too late. Tell them because people are not mind readers and they may not know. Tell them. Even if it is not reciprocated, it is important for people to know that they are valued.

Always be thankful for something. Every single day, no matter how small, find a piece of gratitude in every day. Life is too short to be miserable.

Hey, Jude

August 28, 2015 / rachelgoes262 / Leave a comment

Here is the newest installment in the monthly #FelineFriday series.

How my third and youngest son took a sad song and made it better.

My 3 year old is in charge. When Kip passed away from a chronic illness at age 14, it left just Kitty and I. Again. I always called Kip and Kitty the dynamic duo. They grew up together. Kitty and I were alone the first year; then Kip had arrived shortly after Kitty’s first birthday. So after Kip passed away, Kitty and I were alone. I was okay with that.

Kitty was not. He needed a companion. We spend a lot of time together. We grieved together. As time went on, I noticed that instead of getting better, Kitty actually got worse. He was clingier and his anxiety levels seemed to increase when I left the house. He needed a companion.

I spent some time searching for the perfect companion for him. Being that Kitty is an older cat in his teens, I did not want to bring in some young punk that was going to push him around. I also knew that neither one of us has the tolerance to be able to survive kitten phase again. We needed a young adult with an easy-going personality.

I searched four local shelters talking to staff about cats and their personalities trying to find someone who would fit into our family. When I adopt, I adopt for life, so I wanted it to be a positive situation for everyone. I was not going to adopt and return or rehome if it did not work out. It needed to work out.

I had pretty much given up hope, thinking that the cat that would be the perfect match to join our family just wasn’t out there yet, but that it would happen in time. Quite a few people in my social circle knew I was looking to adopt. Then, one of them called me and said, “I’ve found the cat you want.” He was in a shelter about 2 hours away from where we live.

I called the shelter on a showy Valentine’s Day to inquire. I explained Kitty and my situation to the shelter manager, who seemed to think that the cat in general would be a good fit. We were in the middle of a central New York snowstorm. Both schools and my work were closed for the day. But, the plows had been out, the roads appeared clear, and I decided to make the 2-hour drive north to visit with our potential new family member.

Once I arrived, I spent a few hours at the shelter visiting with our potential new family member and talking with staff that had interacted with him. I learned of his background as a stray that had been taken from a hoarding situation that involved over 30 cats in a singlewide trailer. I talked to the shelter animal trainers about how he interacted with other cats in playgroups and socialization times.

We found our family member. Jude Raymond Anderson came home on February 14, 2014. He was 2 years old at the time.

I did the slow introduction method where I had Jude in a separate bedroom for about a week before I introduced him to Kitty. It did not go as planned. They had some accidental meetings. They were positive. They each knew the other was there and would put a paw under the door. Jude escaped. Kitty tried to enter Jude’s room. The introduction was not as gradual as it was supposed to be, but it was positive. There was no hissing or fighting involved.

Sometimes I am skeptical about their relationship. Jude is young and playful. Kitty will play with him to a point, but then gets tired, probably due to age, and seems irked that Jude continues to pursue him. Yet there are also times when they lick each other. I am pretty sure they are friends. Kitty’s anxiety level is almost non-existent now that he has a companion.

Jude is a joy in our household. He definitely keeps both Kitty and I on our toes. I am glad we did not get a kitten. It is challenging enough trying to keep up with a 3 year old. We play every day. He runs around the house. Jude is pretty good about settling down at night, though. He even sleeps with us sometimes.

By the way, Jude is the boy name I had picked out for a human child. Given that I am unable to have children, Jude is actually the first of my fur-babies to have a name I had reserved for a human child. It took a lot for me to do that. I think that when you are told you cannot have children that there is always some part of you that holds out hope that they are wrong. Giving Jude the name I had chosen for a human son was a big step for me in being able to accept my life, flaws and all. I love him like a son. I truly do. I have now raised 3 boys. Yes, they may have 4 paws and a tail, but they are all each very much my sons.

Jude entered a time in our lives when Kitty and I were perhaps the saddest we have ever been. We have a very different dynamic in our house with a 3 year old. I would not change it for the world. He has brought life and love to our house. In the true meaning of the Beatles tune after which he is named, Jude has indeed taken a sad song and made it better.

Hey, Jude. We love you.